Have you been attracting emotionally unavailable people when dating?
Would you love to shift this, stop attracting emotionally unavailable people and attract healthy relationships? Let's talk about it. And if you want to watch the video, scroll to the bottom of this article.
Firstly, how do you know that you're in this pattern? What can this look like? Some examples:
• It can be that you're constantly getting ghosted, or
• Finding you're not getting consistent communication from people you're dating
• The person you're chatting to or seeing can't follow through with what they say they will
• You might feel nervous to be yourself, or ask for your needs to be met, or even ask where things are at.
It's basically when someone demonstrates avoidant and inconsistent behaviours.
Basically, the opposite of commitment. And again, this is not just verbally committing, but following through too.
So this doesn't sound like fun, why would we be attracting this kind of person? There are a few reasons that I'll cover:
1. It might be what is known to us. Like anything in life, we lean into comfort. Essentially this means what we are familiar with. But this can be that we are drawn to unhealthy things. So our early childhood attachments, or our early relationship attachments that can be formed, can be created in a way that has us believe that love = unavailability.
2. We might not be truly ready to commit. This one can be hard to see. But it's possible that we are unconsciously drawing someone in that we know won't demand much of us. To the outside world, and even to ourselves we are taking action and dating, so it appears that we are ready to commit. But something within in us is still not 100% ready to commit ourselves, so we keep attracting people who aren't ready too.
3. Movies, TV and media teach us that this is what we want - We're taught (through movies and society) that emotional unavailable traits are good or at least normal. Think about the movies you grew up watching or even watch now. The 'chase', the desire and the passion of things that are 'on and off' are celebrated, they are called love. And in those movies, those people that couldn't commit, they finally come together.. So in real life, we can think that the person we're pursuing, who is playing hot and cold will finally realise were meant to be (just like we see in the movies). But the truth is, if they ain't ready to commit, they ain't ready (99% of the time). In the movies Matthew McConaughey acts aloof, unsure, hard to pin down, but in real life? He saw his future wife, introduced himself and said since that day he hasn't wanted to spend his time with any other woman.
4. Fearing rejection – Similar to point 3 above, 'not being ready to commit', we can also fear getting hurt. So we can unknowingly feel more in control of something that we feel 'ahead of'. If we know deep down this person isn't going to stick around, it can feel easier to us, so we may be attracting emotionally unavailable people as it feels safer. A full video is landing soon on this topic, check it out here.
So there's a lot to consider here, what we're not conscious of we can't shift. Helping people uncover their unconscious patterns and heal the past is my jam - so be sure to reach out if you're ready to create a healthy relationship.
To get you started, here's some tips to start shifting away from attracting emotionally unavailable people:
1. We need to be able to have that self-awareness piece. We need to bring the unconscious to the conscious. When we have awareness of the kind of patterns going on, and the part we play, we can start to heal it and things start to shift
2. See if you can explain why you like someone to your friends. What is it about them that you're attracted to? Are there any traits that align with your deep values, or is it just a 'feeling' you get around them? Often those feelings can be tied to early childhood attachments that feel good, but aren't always healthy
3. Don't be afraid to communicate your needs, and be willing for that relationship to fall apart. When I asked more of some of the guys I was dating where things were at, or for my needs to be met, they tended to end things shortly after.. (or just fade away in true ghosting style). But at least you have your answer. Don't be afraid to scare the wrong ones off (on that note, have you downloaded your free guide to help you with this?)
4. Heal your past – once you're aware of your attachment styles and your relationship with relationships, you'll start to shift and attract the kind of people you deserve.
5. Show up for yourself. Show yourself that you love you, that you're worthy, that you're available for you – this also shifts your energy and starts to pull in the right kind of people.
So shifting this cycle is possible! Trust me. It, like all healing, isn't a quick fix thing. But you can heal your past and attract a healthy loving relationship.
Start here with your free guide 7 ways to shift your energy and mindset to attract your dream person.
It'll help you start shifting toward the healthy relationship you deserve.
And if you'd love to attract and create a healthy relationship, let's work together - find out more here.
You deserve more, let's help you get it.
Louise x
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